Absolute poetry on the palate! Leaves both mouth and soul with a warm satisfaction that is rarely achieved—consider each 8-ounce serving as a legitimate creamy/salty/malty ticket to rapture.
Southern Swiss Dairy Chocolate Milk
Luxuriously creamy with a beautiful buttery malt that implores further consumption at a deliberately focused rate. The cocoa flavor won’t kick your door down, but it chooses to develop in the latter half of the draw before exiting gracefully.
Mountain Fresh Creamery Chocolate Milk
Phenomenally creamy, full, and drinkable in a way that few chocolate milks could hope to achieve. It disperses perfectly in the mouth, knowing exactly where to go and how long it should take— and leaves you with a slightly powdery/malty cocoa gift that crescendos in the afterglow.
GreenWise Organic Chocolate Milk
Well-balanced texture and flavor— being slightly more salty than sweet curbs any aftertaste lingering, and the cocoa presence is relatively prominent and true. It drinks well, and won’t make a mockery of your weekly chocolate milk budget.
Hart Dairy Chocolate Milk
Wow— a punch in the face of sweet, dark, cocoa flavor that will have your tastebuds standing at attention! Its remarkable girth is fully burdened with flavor and highly congruent with its gorgeous visage. For potable indulgence, look no further— but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Hershey's Cookies 'n' Creme Milk
Tasty (if not over-sweet) cookies & cream flavor delivered through a fast-moving base that is adequately creamy and does its best to approach ‘milky’— but ultimately comes up short. Regardless, it’s not bad considering how badly many of its CnC peers have missed the mark.
Rolling Lawns Farm Chocolate Milk
Lightly sweet with a malty undertone, the silky-smooth texture feels luxurious beyond its reduced-fat budget. It earns high marks for physical drinkability, and the feel pairs well with its uniquely demure cocoa presence.
TruMoo Fat Free Chocolate Milk
A mere husk of what chocolate milk could (and should) be, this fat-free, soul-free, flavor-free concoction leaves you with nothing more than an annoying astringent finish and abject puzzlement. Water seems more interesting and nuanced by comparison.
Iconic Protein Drink Chocolate Truffle
Whomever decided to package and sell this stuff should be put on a watch list. It’s watery, yet fiercely chalky, and the flavor is decidedly more ‘graphite’ than ‘chocolate truffle.’ They could easily rebrand this as an appetite suppressant.
Slate Dark Chocolate Milk
Less flavorful overall than its ‘classic’ counterpart, and when the flavor is generally bad, less of it is a good thing. The cocoa is more noticeable, but there isn’t much salt, sweetness, or cream to help develop it or add dimension. It’s watery and highly chalky as well— I appreciate the packaging and the ‘better for you’ endeavor, but from a flavor / drinking experience standpoint, it’s significantly below the typical ‘bad’ chocolate milk.
Yoohoo Cookies & Cream
Easily the worst version of Yoo-hoo I’ve tried. The bouquet alone should be an effective defense mechanism, but should you go in for a sip, rest assured it will be one of very few. It’s an egregious miss—assuming the target was cookies & cream and not soured acetone. This is terrible.
Slate Classic Chocolate Milk
Well, it’s cold, brown, and would suck if you spilled it on your crotch— that’s where the similarities with chocolate milk end. I want to like this, but even the smallest sip brings about facial contortions. It looks decent coming out the can, but the flavor is unfortunately dominated by a heavy-handed pseudo-bitter-sweet twang that steers the rest of the experience toward imminent catastrophe.
DeBacker Family Dairy Chocolate Milk
An avalanche of indulgence curb-stomps your tastebuds into blissful oblivion! Highlighted by a powerfully true cocoa flavor and equally formidable cream quotient, this is the real deal Holyfield- accept no imitations, honor no substitutions, worship no other libations.
Full Circle Market Organic Chocolate Milk
A pleasant salty-malty journey through familiar “Two-percent Reduced Fat Organic Chocolate Milk” territory. It does what it sets out to do and delivers a flavorful enough drinking experience to warrant your consideration.
Organic Valley Fuel Chocolate
If Robitussin got into the chocolate milk business, I would expect something similar to this. Fortunately the Stevia flavor isn’t oppressive, but it’s not flavorful in any positive direction. The texture is dense and not as unnatural as expected, and visually, it looks ok. And just like that, my cough is gone.
Nature's Best Dairy Lowfat Chocolate Milk
Super forgettable but actually quite decent for the institutional market. It’s nicely smooth, and averagely everything else. The experience peaks at the eye-catching package, and once opened, it quickly retreats to the median.
Twix Lowfat Chocolate Milk
Perhaps I’m bitter, but as a lover of Twix I must be strict here. Absent are the best features of the candy bar— the cookie crunch and the fact that there are 2 bars; thus you’re left with a soulless, syrupy milk that harbors a scorched caramel bite and thankfully few other notables.
Snickers Lowfat Chocolate Milk
I was shocked to find that ‘coffee’ was not a primary ingredient— as this tastes much more like a botched hazelnut mocha latte than a liquid Snickers bar. Things only get worse in the aftertaste— best not to have a foretaste.
Good & Gather Lactose Free Chocolate Milk
Creamy, light, and crisply flavorful— yet another well-crafted concoction for the lactose averse that happily stays within its boundaries.
Shetler Family Dairy Chocolate Milk
An avalanche of what I can best describe as ‘creamy girth’— which is decidedly more appealing than it reads. This is by far its standout feature, as there isn’t a strong flavor component in any particular direction— but fans of dense cream and light malt should take notice.