River Bottom Dairy Chocolate Peanut Butter Milk

Gorgeous representation of my favorite flavor combination. Sweet and chocolaty up front, with a lasting peanut buttery burn that ages more gracefully than Helen Mirren. I'm not sure I'll be able to say the same for myself after I drink this whole bottle in an afternoon. Drinkable dessert, what more could you want?

River Bottom Dairy Cookies & Cream Milk

Noticeably more lithe than the chocolate milk, and delivers a truly accurate and not cartoonish cookies and cream flavor. It has me longing for bits of Oreo solute and the underratedly fun 'panning for gold' process of oral sieving (?). Definitely one of the best CnC versions I've reviewed, and a worthwhile extension of the River Bottom Dairy portfolio.

Riverbend Creamery Chocolate Milk

Intensely bright cocoa flavor backed by a full-bodied creamy base and sweetness that is more than up to the challenge. Knocks it out of the park for what most people would easily consider the best chocolate milk they've ever had. Parallels to melted chocolate ice cream are often made, but rarely substantiated; but in this case, it certainly applies.

River Bottom Dairy Chocolate Milk

Beefy frame, plenty sweet, and an exciting 'wild' side-- yes, chicks will dig this, but so will anyone else lucky enough to try it. It's chocolaty up front, sweet through the middle, and finishes with a wild, grassy note that ties everything together and whets your appetite for more. In a world where novelty in chocolate milk is sometimes challenging to find, this brings a dropkick of indulgence followed by a blinding ray of hope for those paying close attention.

Oberweis Dairy Lactose Free Chocolate Milk

I'm genuinely embarrassed by my low expectations-- this is an outstanding port of the traditional Oberweis 2% chocolate milk. Particularly impressive is the no-sugar-added (allulose/stevia) finesse, executed so deftly that you have to try hard to notice the difference. For all the times I've been beat mercilessly over the head by the Stevia or Monk Fruit sledgehammer-- I had assumed that using these ingredients were a lost cause; an automatic palate destroyer. Not anymore. Oberweis figured out just the right levels to deliver a relatively low calorie, low sugar, high caliber chocolate milk experience worthy of your time, especially for those seeking these 'better for you' or lactose free features. It can be done. They cracked the code. I like this stuff.

Slate Dark Chocolate Milk

Much flatter than its lighter counterpart, the sledgehammer of fake sweetness is significantly mitigated here-- allowing for some actual cocoa flavor to poke through. There's still an issue with the chalky / drying texture here but that's not terribly uncommon among protein-fortified drinks. A clear winner among the Slate portfolio, but still won't compare favorably to even the most average of chocolate milks.

Slate Chocolate Milk

Overpowering faux take-your-medicine-esque sweetness with little relief to follow. You're left with an unnatural aftertaste and drying residue-- no semblance of chocolate or milk to be found. The label recommends you to 'shamelessly chug away'-- and I agree, as you'll want to limit the amount of tastebud contact as best you can.

KDD Chocolate Milk

Deeply chocolaty with well-balanced sweet and salty levels-- tasty right out of the box upon first sip. There's a significant chalky component which lingers on the tongue post-swallow, but for reconstituted UHT chocolate milk, this more than does the job.

Stonyfield Organic Reduced Fat Chocolate Milk

Shockingly sweet upon first draw, aided in part by the thin viscosity-- which delivers a quick sugary rush with later-developing cocoa presence and moderately-drying chalky footprint. For an organic, shelf-stable, lactose free chocolate milk, it gets the job done and would add a crowning touch to the bog-standard bagged lunch.

Richlands Dairy and Creamery Chocolate Milk

Powerfully straightforward deliciousness-- this is a premium version of what we all expect great chocolate milk to be-- chocolaty, sweet, and densely flavorful. It nails all those beats, a true melted-chocolate-ice cream proxy, and is both indulgent and satisfying from beginning to end.

Nice Farms Creamery Chocolate Milk

Paralyzingly creamy from initial contact through to blissful repose-- it has one of the most luxurious textures I've had the pleasure of experiencing to date, gilding any and all surfaces with buttery Jersey cream. Flavorwise, it leans more malty than overtly chocolaty. Its warm afterglow lasts minutes beyond the pint; I suspect that the impact on your soul will last significantly beyond that.

Broom's Bloom Dairy Chocolate Milk

Delicious straightforward cocoa flavor with little distraction-- it drinks quickly and distributes naturally, with a somewhat fleeting aftertaste for creamline milk-- granted, the aftertaste that remains is a lightly dusty cocoa footprint that whets your appetite for more.

Lewes Dairy Lowfat Chocolate Milk

Sweet and really nothing else. There's no way anyone would identify this as 'chocolate' if blindfolded. A syrupy vanilla flavor is really the only standout flavor characteristic, and the texture is smooth and milky-adjacent, but not quite there either.

Lewes Dairy Reduced Fat Chocolate Milk

Less overtly sweet than the lowfat version, but same textural woes (sticky, almost-milky) and similar vanilla-forward, blandish flavor that is way under-indexed in cocoa flavor. Sometimes, that can still be good, but not in this case, as there's sadly nothing else worthy of your attention.

Lewes Dairy Chocolate Milk

Allegedly 'whole' chocolate milk according to the nutrition facts, but you wouldn't know it. It suffers the same flavor struggles as the lowfat and reduced fat versions, just not giving the drinker any reason to continue aside from a quick sugar rush.