Muscle Monster Chocolate Energy Shake

An improvement over past iterations, but still lacking heavily in most relevant measures. It drinks a lot more watery than it looks and feels-- and has a pretty restrained flavor (which is better than having a strong, awful flavor). A chalkiness sets in about 4 seconds after the swallow, and it will even spread to your lips if unchecked. In short, not as offensive as I was braced for, but to call it a pleasant surprise would border on hyperbolic.

Southern Craft Creamery Chocolate Milk

Wow- a chocolate milk not afraid to be different! Beneath the gorgeous visage lies an undersweet, dark-chocolate-adjacent vein of indulgence that, when it mixes in uniformly with the cream, delivers a prominently unique experience-- the memory of which will last well beyond the product itself. I love the non-homogenous creamy base unimpeded by starchy, faux-viscosity-- this disperses swiftly but not before leaving an impression, and like good houseguests, leaves you wanting more.

Dakin Dairy Farms Chocolate Milk

Powerful upfront (slightly earthy) cocoa hit complimented by a strong but fleeting sweetness, thanks to a salty snap that curbs the sweet and accentuates the cream flavor on the way out. It drinks every bit as quickly as it satisfies your craving for potable indulgence.

Quest Chocolate Protein Shake

A sludgy, chalky disaster that only gets worse when you put it in your mouth. Sure, it delivers a ton of protein without the calories, at the mere cost of your pleasure and self-respect. It's overly fakey-sweet, with zero salt note to bring a resolution to it. There is at least a noticeable cocoa flavor if you can sift through the other garbage to appreciate it.

Southern Oaks Jerseys Chocolate Milk

Impossibly creamy, silky base that lasts well beyond the sip, imparting a delicate warmth upon every surface that it graces (don't get ahead of me here). There's plenty of room for additional flavor, but I appreciate the undersweetness and slow-burn cocoa that peaks in the aftertaste. The cream flavor is the standout feature-- and epitomizes the age-old advice of "do one thing, but do it extremely well."

Guernsey Girl Creamery Chocolate Milk

Gorgeously buttery and perfect ratio of (relatively thin) viscosity and (extremely high) creaminess. Gives you that warm feeling in your mouth, mind, and soul-- a feat often pursued but rarely achieved. The cocoa flavor is nicely in front of the sweetness, over all this is a painfully delicious way to spend your time!

Shop Springs Creamery Chocolate Milk

Fantastically punchy, bright cocoa headlines a densely-packed onslaught of flavor that hits all the notes. Creamy, buttery, salty-- your taste buds certainly won't feel short-changed at any point along this ride. Consistently delicious, and deliciously consistent-- an absolutely brilliant addition to the already stellar Tennessee chocolate milk scene!

Brown Family Dairy Chocolate Milk

Delicious cream flavor that remains the star of the experience throughout-- the cocoa flavor plays a supporting role and crescendos toward the conclusion of each sip. It's very enjoyable, if not a little on the bland side, but I would still prefer its graceful subtlety over a lesser base burdened with too much flavor.

Havens Down Home Creamery Chocolate Milk

Absolutely crushes the 'thin-viscosity-to-infinitely-creamy' ratio that I enjoy so much-- this is the kind of base that dreams are made of. Warm, buttery Jersey cream gilds every surface that it comes in contact with, delivering a slightly malty chocolate flavor and a tsunami of pleasure that I'd happily drown in.

Lean Body Chocolate Protein Shake

Oddly undersweet at first sip, until a wave of phony, cloying sweetness rushes to the 'rescue' in the latter third of the sip. Admittedly, it wrests your attention away from the thick, chalky sludgy texture. It looks chocolaty, but that doesn't translate to the drinking experience much at all-- as bad as this is, I've had significantly worse. It's not face-twisting awful, which is the best thing I can say about it.

Mayfield Dairy Farms Chocolate Milk

Sweeter and more overtly flavorful than its previous TruMoo port. However, the corn syrup ages poorly both over the course of the sip as well as over the course of the fridge storage. It drinks smoothly, but feels a bit candified-- if you like a syrupy-sweet chocolate milk, give this a try.

Maple Hill Organic Reduced Sugar Chocolate Milk

Bold and brave-- an unapologetically un-sweet chocolate milk that shines the spotlight on cocoa and buttery, grassy, salty cream (even at 2% reduced fat). The result is a shockingly focused treat that is adequately sweet in isolation, but is likely to be off-putting to the casual consumer seeking a quick, sweet fix. I'm seriously impressed.