Royal Riverside Farm Chocolate Milk

Chocolaty, creamy, sweet, salty-- all primary chocolate milk flavors are amped up and surprisingly well-balanced given the strength of each. Its creamline base shines in the latter third of the sip, and warmly gilds whatever surface happens to grace. The (relatively) thin viscosity seems to add velocity to the flavor, as it hits early and often and leaves no tastebud unsatisfied. When you eventually reach your last sip-- wait for the buttery grassiness that rounds out the final, deliciously lasting experience.

Rising Sun Dairy Chocolate Milk

An upfront salty hit pops the warm creaminess that continues shine throughout, escorting the malty cocoa flavor everywhere it needs to go. There's a fully-burdened velveteen texture and a uniqueness to the experience, which has real cachet with someone who has had nearly 1,800 different chocolate milks to this point. Overall, an extremely well conceived and executed drinkable dessert.

Blue Silo Creamery Chocolate Milk

Deliciously well balanced and strong flavor that leads with a salty-sweet-malty cocoa punch that fades swiftly but leaves you with a warm, creamy coating and a lustful desire for the next sip. It's thinner than many of its peers, affording it a bit more alacrity on the palate-- making sure all of your tastebuds are engaged, aroused, and beyond satisfied.

Bennett Family Farm Chocolate Milk

Devastating combination of buttery cream and malty cocoa with a gorgeously appropriate salty snap on the back end, making this one of the best creamline chocolate milks I've had all year. Each sip is a wholly satisfying treat in itself-- buy more than you think you can comfortably store.

Rose Valley Creamery Chocolate Milk

There's a John Wayne-esque quiet confidence that comes through in a chocolate milk that dares to be (traditionally) under-sweet and unapologetically creamy. I would describe the cocoa flavor as a subtle maltiness that plays more of a supporting role to its warm, buttery, 100% grass-fed creamy base. Real chocolate milk should need to be shaken up. Real chocolate milk should treat sweetness with a deft touch. This is the real deal.

Schoch Dairy & Creamery Schocolate Milk

Deliciously buttery creamline base determined to hug each individual tastebud with a warm cocoa embrace. Such a well-balanced concoction that needs nothing more than your time and attention-- don't chug this stuff, don't multitask while drinking it, I would even say don't have it with food (it just gets in the way). Consume this and let it consume you-- you'll be better for it. 

Dutch Bros Chocolate Milk

Amped up on all levels-- powerfully (nigh painfully) sweet first, strongly chocolaty next, and a full-fat base that feels overworked carrying all of that flavor. It's delicious in short spurts, possibly gratuitous in a normal 8oz serving. The flavor doesn't age particularly well, as the syrupy sweetness outlasts everything and overstays its oral welcome. I can definitely see why the kids like this, but mature palates be warned.

Alpenrose Swiss Supreme Chocolate Milk

Much more sweet than chocolaty and has a beefy yet accessible 6% base-- which pays dividends in the highly satisfying afterglow. I must say, this is a very unique experience where there's an upfront barrage of sweet, and you think it's going too strongly in the wrong direction, but the cream quickly wrests control of everything else and steers it back on course, leaving you to enjoy a warm, creamy finish for minutes after the sip. 

Lochmead Farms Reduced Fat Chocolate Milk

Substantial texture and prominent cocoa flavor that leans towards the earthy side. The first part of the sip is the best, as there's a noticeable astringency a few seconds after the swallow that dries out the mouth a little and lends to a chalkier feel that wasn't present up front. 

Lochmead Farms Cafe Moooka

Appropriately thin and smooth, and a significantly stronger coffee flavor than cocoa flavor. The coffee flavor feels legit but is not one that matches up well with my preferences. I would describe it as a sour sweetness, with a fairly watery yet astringent finish.

Morning Fresh Farms Lowfat Chocolate Milk

Nicely smooth with a sharp upfront sweetness that trails off to a decently strong cocoa flavor, leaving you in a more favorable and satisfying position than its inauspiciously oversweet kickoff would suggest. That's a lot of language for a modestly above-par lowfat chocolate milk; more than happy to reserve my brevity for some thing more remarkable (good or bad).

Shamrock Farms Mocha Latte Rockin' Protein Energy

Fairly odd stuff, even for the chocolate-adjacent category. It's as though you spilled a cup of cornstarch in your hours-old mug of Folgers. Doesn't have a ton of flavor, but what's there is decidedly more coffee than cocoa. It's undersweet, undersalty, undercreamy, and overstarchy. On the plus side, you could probably use this as the goopy paste in your next paper maché project.

Powerful Chocolate Protein Shake

Mystifying combination of thin/smooth viscosity with a chalky, astringent epilogue-- giving it a medicinal bent (think Pepto Bismol without the tasty mint flavor). The weird foamy head that manifests a few minutes after pouring it into a cup is an ample harbinger of the non-milky experience upon which you'll soon embark. The cocoa flavor has an unflattering aerosol essence to it and despite the label touting "made with a Greek Yogurt base" there is no fermented, yogurty, microbial presence-- which is the best thing I can say about it.

Weigel's Cookies & Cream Milk

Predictably sweet throughout, with an early-peaking cookies & cream flavor that recedes in time for the sweetness to finish out the latter half of the sip. The base feels substantial without chalky residue, though it lacks the soul and staying power of its more sophisticated creamline peers. In short, pick it up if you love cookies & cream, or if you have a demanding sweet tooth that needs to be put in its place.

Nesquik Fudge Brownie Milk

Stronger and I daresay slightly more mature than the typical Nesquik chocolate milk profile, you can easily convince yourself that the 'fudge brownie' flavor is there and not just the old purple-clad 'double chocolate' Nesquik with a suggestive new name. The experience quickly rings hollow, however, since its lowfat milk base isn't capable of deft flavor extension beyond initial tastebud contact. Disturbing that they have to put "made with real milk" on the package-- feels like it's running without being chased-- only inviting more suspicion in the process. 

Flatrock Creamery Chocolate Milk

Delectable thin-viscosity-to-high-creaminess ratio, confidently carrying its cocoa flavor and beautiful grassy lilt across any surface it comes in contact with. Being saltier than sweet further highlights the cream flavor and ensures minimal baggage in the aftertaste. Every bit as pleasant as an early-summer drive through southeast Indiana, but without the torrent of bug guts on the windshield.

Horizon Organic 2% Chocolate Milk

A modest (but noticeable) step above Horizon's traditional 1% chocolate milk, this build seems to have a bit more cocoa behind it, and the extra dairy fat is appreciated. It won't turn heads or start any new religions, but it's a welcome addition to the limited but long-standing chocolate milk portfolio from Horizon. 

Splenda Milk Chocolate Shake

Densely sludgy with no recreational payoff-- it's as hard to recommend this stuff as it is to finish the 8 oz bottle. The dominant flavor isn't one of cocoa-- it's more of an 'old milk on the cusp of turning' fruitiness that is likely a product of its proprietary Splenda sucralose and allulose blend of sweeteners. That flavor carries on in the aftertaste, paired with a drying chalkiness that grinds your mouth to a halt. This might be your body's natural defense against taking another sip. Heed its warning.